That relief that comes with grief

Awoke this morning thinking about love and loss. And about relief. Like the relief, when my aunt called in February to say that Daddy had crossed over. That was my first emotion. It's funny, because I almost had brought our US passports but I didn't because I didn't want to be tempted to go against his wishes. He had been so clear about what he wanted...even when I spoke to him on the Sunday.

Daddy's dying was so different to Peggy's. And Lo's. It took a very long time for me to let go of the guilt about Lo's death, about not being able to stay through the end to make sure she had her hair and nails done, that got that steak and margarita from the Pine Club like she wanted. 

Peggy's ending - like James Robert, Mary and Jinx was much easier. She was asleep and been removed from us for so long, it was just a question of listening to the air leave her body. 

It was the quiet afterwards, with Lo, that ate at me. The two years it took me to be able to finish clearing out her house because I couldn't stay to do it all in one swoop. Because innately, my feet are not always meant to be on the ground. I felt I had betrayed her but there was no oath I had made. I gave what I could and it was enough for everyone - including her - but me. 

 Life becomes so confusing when the roles transition, I wasn't ready to step on as matriarch. And now, the extended familial kingdom is fractured, split apart. For a while, that felt like a failure, the splintering. But now this is so much more freedom and peaceful secession, making room for the next alliances, the widening of family and communion.