I remember when this was fun

It is beyond disruptive to have something you don't need repeatedly make itself known. It causes one to pause: what am I ignoring? I already know the stake required to play in this particular game (which I did not sign up to, by the by)  and I've already sold that timeshare in Vegas, thanks very much.  Also, as a gifting aside:  Don't give a timeshare as a wedding present unless you truly detest the person you are gifting them to.

So many crosseoads and I can't quite pinpoint where I want to focus next. So I've decided to divide time into sections and braid together what feels right and focus on those things as 'hobbies.' The other things, I'll focus on as work.  But the main thing is to shake this emotional hangover. I feel like I've pushed so far into my inner reserves, I am precariously close to an adrenal crash and I hate those. They inevitably lead to a UC flare up and an exhaustion so profound, I can only stare at out the window, at the ceiling, at light and shadow moving across the sky before I fall back into disjointed sleep.

I was so fortunate to find my profession so young: being an archivist suits me beautifully. I had dreamed and plotted for more: law, medicine...mainly law. But I knew that it would be too much, there would be so little left. Work would be everything and  one isn't given these hips or derrière for pure amusement, for the simplicity of an occasionally solitary life, with layered afternoons of intwined legs and rumpled sheets.  This form is destined for those things, surely, but also for community.  But it can zero in with a ferocity that borders on obsessive and thar works for no one.

Even now, there was just so little left over for the marriage, especially after the littles that arrived complete have stayed on. What I find is that my life crowded and not just with obligation and instruction but with friends and work I am passionate about. And yet, there on the edge is a spectre that hovers and I can't seem to get it to move on, even though I KNOW no good will come of 

What do you do when you KNOW thing and and still choose the wrong thing? When you allow someone in only to know before it ends that whilst they appear solid human they are only imitating and the proportions so out of kilter, it can only be wrong. The intensity they study the current object of their desire (absent of affection),well, it stems from a lack of feeling as opposed to excess.  Their intensity is the compensation they have to offer.  Engaging with such a person is to invite a an emotional vampire across the threshold. And banishing them, well...if only it lacked spirit, then we could focus on the pathology of it all, excise and bell jar for further examination.

Instead, I'm left recognising that I've probably gotten what I deserve: something akin to a love affair to take my serious edges off, to which I can hear my father's voice in the distance. 'Well, isn't that some sh*t,' in that Mississippi drawl, post medicine £24 steak salad at Hauser & Wirth. 'Just cause they do chocolate don't mean they know how to grill.' Oh, Daddy. I miss you.

At least I didn't hit a deer on the drive back. The mercies are small but necessary when you're in perpetual motion.