Yeah...I think those Facebook algorithms need tweaking. I'm still angry.

 Dear Dr X

I thought I had stopped being angry you years ago.  I was beyond relieved when I was back at UCH with my second and then third child to discover that you were no longer practicing at UCH. But I woke up this morning 

Your bedside manner, well. It appalled me when you told me I wasn't in labor and that I didn't need an epidural...wellz I mean, 5 hours later I was rushed into emergency surgery and almost died, but you seem to know best! And that Thursday morning, again when you had the Chutzpah to come round and say 'Oh, well...that was most unexpected!' 

Your decision to shut me up in your office after I specifically requested - begged? - to reschedule or have someone with me during what essentially to turned out to be an inconclusive autopsy of my son - was the first official death blow in the coffin of my marriage, for which I suppose I should thank you, because he has his b'shert and I have my littles and an entire life ahead of me. And I came to you at that meeting with very real health concerns that 3 months later would find me in hospital. It all could have been avoided, but for your ego and my passive conditioning. A perfect storm, nu?

But I still can not block out your utter indifference when I begged you for an epidural. 'You'll be here for a couple of days,' you said, sauntering out on those expensive brogues. That you're still practicing obstetrics would terrify me except I must allow myself hope that you've progressed in your human interaction. 

5 hours later, I almost died. You could have made a call to make any of what happened easier. You could have done so much with just a few tweaks of your manner and a call slip. 

Let us not be confused: I always knew my son would die. You just should have been more humane.  He didn't have to suffer in birth canal the way he did, and that will always be on you. My body didn't deserve the battering your lack of care put it through, the panic and sheer terror. My co-parent, he didn't deserve to be left bereft in a delivery room whilst his son was whisked off to NICU and his wife to surgery, surrounded by blood and uterine carnage.

It rather unsettles me that THEY still allow you practice obstetrics. But maybe you've gained humanity and grace, which are more useful in your field than precision haircut and well-heeled shoes.  

One can hope. Sometimes it's all we can do. 

But no, I really do not want to be friends on Facebook.

As ever,
Me