Found: letter to my 20 year old self

**tucked in a folder with dead dad Bureaucracy, between a bookmark from the Copacabana Hotel and a photo from Montenegro.**

Dear Me

I'm not going to tell you to stop 

You've decided to move cities, to try something new to snap yourself out of that sophomore year headf*ck. Probably wise. Its the closest you'll be to letting your parents parent you. Lean into them. They love you. They try, so hard. Learn from them. Soak up their inconsistencies and whims.  Spend time with Jinx and Lo, with Mark and Bill, as much as you can. 

Spend time with that Mississippi family. They love you hard and stoic and their blood is your blood. The land knows your soul 

 That lovely Victorian studio you find in Cincinnati on Ohio Street? Keep it. For as long as you possibly can. If there is ever an option to buy it, do so. Riddle Road is great, but yeah...this flat is the perfect size, an oasis.

The Poet you meet at the bookshop? Don't take him so seriously. Be smart, have fun, and when its done, just nod and accept the lessons learned. He'll teach you delicious things about sex, and we will remember him fondly. But yeah, don't overly invest in trying to understand. Sometimes, there is enough follow through on the moment.

We have a tendency to brood too much and it will ruin so much of our time and life if we let it. That man on the Boston - Albany Express? He'll break your heart but it will make you stronger when you let it. The trombonist isn't great in a crisis, your mom will have boundary issues for much of your relationship, and your dad will do his best up until the light goes out of him. This will be -sadly - before it leaves his body.  The ex-husband will be a solid father but he isn't your b'shert. You'll have known it from the first, that you were destined to raise people together. But yeah, he's not the cake topper. 

Later, the ones that come post-divorce are good if occasional rough experience. But they are not your b'shert. You're your own cake. Trust that plucky intuition, be suspicious of the ones who lean on charm and have a temper. Not yours. Again, when that rooster crows, you don't want to be flooded with the urge to get your boots  and get gone.  Also, whilst there convenience of internet dating, it really isn't your thing. Catfish, cuttlefish, breadcrumb, lovebombing...the lexicon you need to just keep it real is too much.  Keep it tight and cut 'em loose early. Stick with the matchmaker. Maybe not the first one.

Keep travelling. Travel for the sake of it, not to run away from life. Travel near and far and go back to places as you move on to new ones. Give the people you love some distance and space so that you can grow into your skin and they can grow into theirs. Change is hard, inevitable, and exquisite. Travel is a good lense to frame it all against. 

We are good at keeping in touch with people; cultivate this skill, these relationships. They will get you through life when you think it might break you. You will have tragedy and disaster, courted and otherwise, but you are a tough cookie with a sense of humour that will pull you through but you can't do it alone. And ultimately, the best kind of people are like you: they genuinely want to help.

You are a f*ucking talented writer. Stop hiding your words. Stop fearing the critique. Be honest, you're already brave.

If there are 3 things I could give you as gifts, they would go a little something like this: 

1) the knowledge that that horrific black dog that stalks you is not who you are. You are not worthless and useless and you need to realize this or it just may take you down. Hard. Depression is a fact of your genetic make up and you need to learn to deal with it. Preferably sooner than later and without a martini super-glued to your hand. There are lessons to be learned from the black dog. He isn't hunting you. He's protecting you. 

2) We're financially risk adverse but also magpie spendthrifts. Learn to walk away from the red linen trousers when the debate over 'rent v trousers' arrives. You know better than to buy retail.

3)You can't keep everything but you don't need to get rid of EVERYTHING. Balance and being middle of the road for some things, these are good things. They won't detract from the things we do well or otherwise. That beautiful black dress that is so 1958? You need to keep that bad boy. And one more thing: Go on and dye your hair. Cut it off, have fun. Its just hair: it will grow back. But when you go platinum, go to the salon.

Seriously.

Love you madly, as ever and always.

Me