Taking responsibility: an unfinished rumination

Taking responsibility is something that I have seldom shied away from.  Far too often, I have taken on responsibility for situations, actions of others, for others, on occasion to my own detriment.  I don't know where that comes from, taking on the burden of consequence for another's actions, but it is hardwired and I have been actively working to relay these. neuropathways, to unpick the learned, overconditioning so that I can be my best self.

I still marvel at this conversational vignette with my father, at the differences in our characters when our personalities are so similar. I wonder at the male influences in my life that have spent a great deal of time gaslighting me in ways that would make Claude Rains blush. Not to say that women don't do this as well, but I feel that most women I encounter do this ess or only when we must, with intent.  I wonder how my evolving understanding of non-binary will ultimately impact my perceptions on this front, when - if ever - I will stop ascribing gender to these pondernances and reflections, especially as I watch my daughter and son interact, Alternating between deep love and an all-out desire to destroy one another. 

I don't remember that feeling being a driving force in my relationship with my own sibling, but then, we are six years apart. I wonder that the age difference hasn't impacted the dynamic.  

When I begin reworking  my relationship with responsibility, I must also examine instances when I haven't taken responsibility, where I have stood by in silence, walked away, closed my eyes, or bowed my head in complicity.  I have to be careful with this work, because I have a penchant for self-abuse. 

When we look at cycles and patterning, when is it enough for us to be aware of what we are patterning? How long do we give ourselves to sit with recognition before we take action to alter the harmful and destructive?