Modern Lust Book Club

For one of my book clubs, I've been reading/listening to _Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy_ by Jessica Fern, which alongside _Come As You Are_, and the _Ethical Slut_ are starting to form a key components of the foundation I am excavating and rebuilding as I discover and appreciate more about my own sexuality and what I desire from future intimate relationships. The section on attachment? I feel incredibly seen. It also has been a revelation to have to accept that between my children and my dog, and friendships, I really only have time/capacity/space for 1 or 2 sexual partners at this stage in my life.  My time is both my own and filled with non-negotiable entities that will eventually need/desire less or desire different aspects of me. It has been a relief to accept this as a truth of 'right now.'  At the same time, I can very clearly and concisely state that I have not every felt comfortable in a state of mono-normativity. 

The discovery of bi-romaniticism has also been a  revelation for me. And makes so much sense: my attachments to my deep friendships has occasionally caused conflict for my sexual partners, I would walk through fire for a select few people in . This is in part because I didn't have language to express this part of myself - how I can find myself in romance without sex and vice versa. 

It is a relief to know I am not alone in this sense and it makes it so much easier to establish safe and respectful boundaries with people, something I've begun to relish more in recent years, especially since returning to life as a singleton, even if recent experiences and revelations. could easily put me off trusting people and their motives.

Putting boundaries in place has become essential, especially when one have an abhorrence for ambiguity and falsehood, outside of a role playing scenario.  When you discover that you've been made complicit - without your consent - in something like adultery they become even more necessary because it makes you doubt your ability to read people, trust their intentions, and build community.

 For me, the challenge is to not lean on the boundaries or use them as means to walling myself in, overly compartmentalizing myself into a tower of solitude. For example, I recently discovered that someone I was loosely involved with is married and was lying to the women he was involved with about his status.  That discovery, that I was unintentionally complicit in causing harm to another woman? It has been like a roundhouse to the solar plexus.  I mean I don't know that they actually make an apology card or hamper for 'I am so sorry I slept with your husband, not knowing he was married,' do they?