The Economics of Modern Romance

I've started working with a sex thereapist. Well, I say 'I've started,' but in reality, the work begins later this AM.  I figured it was time, you know? Because whilst I have acknowledged the childhood sexual abuse, the aecual assaults.in Uni and grad schood, whilst I am a sexual creature, there are moments of freezing (not unlike a certain deer in the headlights of a 1996 Ford Escort, just before the window smashed in).  I can recognise the cognitive dissonance that leaves me In situations far longer than they should.  

I've been underestimating myself for a long time now and as result, have been under-investing in myself, spending time avoiding my desires, my future, my destiny because of what, exactly? Social conditioning? Fear? Comfort? 

I sat down to do the maths. This takes me awhile because I am mildly discalculic. I used to be embarrassed by it and saw it as a tremendous failing until Professor Moena at the University of Cincinnati sat me down and said 'You are intuitive with numbers.  Anyone can see that. Feel the numbers and don't so concerned with how this world wants them presented until YOU know the answer. The you can fit the problem into the answer.' The entire world shifted that day and I started trusting my own relationship with numbers.

So, I've had so sit down and think about what my casual time is worth and where I've spent it.  I estimate that I have spent 200 hours in the last 2 years contemplating, writing, reading, profiles and communication with people. I bill out for high-level admin work at £55/hour. That comes to £11k. 

Eleven. Thousand. Pounds. Sterling.

I know, I threw up in my mouth a little bit, too, when I realised that.

AND that amount? That's before I even get to the costings of the various platforms, with their heirarchies of cost.  Through in a belief in ethical non-monogamy and being in the caramel spectrum of Link, and the apps just confused me.  I'm not even going to touch issue of the hot mess of the people (including myself; I know I am a hot mess).  I suppose because I am not looking for random hooks-ups but am  not opposed to being friends with sex as an added benefit, but ultimately, desire more. More. I'm both sides of the coin: grateful and greedy. But I am also deserving of this seemingly elusive 'more.'  

I just need to refine my tactics.  

The realization that it isn't an effective use of my time nor is it something out of which I get any joy. So, this week, after stepping back from the potential relationship  where 5 dates in, he's still calling me 'Rach,' well...How I tolerated it that long, I honestly can't say.  Throw in the occasional 'You'd make a terrible Indian,' when I struggled to have thirds of a huge meal, alongside the lateness, and it really wasn't going to track, was it?).  I decided to walk my walk and I hired myself a good ol' fashioned matchmaker.

So what do I do if I do meet someone I want to date outside of that? I guess I'll refer them to the matchmakers to see if they make it through the suitability and background screening? That way it frees me up to use my bad judgement on things like this blog and extreme crochet.