My mind has been running so fast

It's such a surrealisation to know this period suspended time has lasted over a year. And that, in the grand schematics of the larger universe, it doesn't hold the The first round of Covidity, I was just confused and scared. And so fortunate that I had my kiddos and the cat to hug on. This last time, I began a conscious course to change my path, to stop contenting myself with people who DON'T walk their talk, who choose to belittle and shame others.I hadn't realised how extroverted I actually am - how important idle daily contact with people is to help keep my inner light healthy, you know? At the same time, I am in no rush to re-activate the pace of my former life. I got a bit discombobulated in late July/August of 2020 and the winter was a challenge. I actually upped slightly my SSRI inhibitor dosage because I had fallen into some VERY unhealthy coping mechanisms and patterns. My alcohol consumption increased dramatically from zero to half a bottle of wine a week, usually ove lunch with my bubble. It wasn't an increase I wanted or felt partial to, it was more....boredom? Anxiety? I had started smoking again in 2018 (casually, like a 16 year old hiding outside from her folks, which is how I started smoking back in the day) but left that behind at the start of Covid. There was a lot kicking up in the familial waters, a considerable amount of pressure to stop before I'd even begun to put myself first. At the same time, I know there have been takeaways about how I was living - cramming in too much, running around, just not PAUSING to breathe and just take a beat. And I want there to be good things that I look back on when I talk about this time 30, 40 years from now.I've read more, chosen writers I would normally have glossed over. I've written a bit. And I've started a 14 week hermetics course into the divine masculine and feminine to readjust my filters. I've been unweaving the mantles of 'Victim', 'Martyr', 'Warrior' to make something richer softer, more vibrant, relishing in the rediscovery that not everything has to be a battle, Not that my armour doesn't have value or that I won't be called upon to take it up again. But when you wear the mantles for longer than you've been driving a car, when despite the weight of that cute and matching emotional baggage they become too heavy to carry. Who wants to dislocate a shoulder when they can keep it light enough to bring joy and grounded enough to be secure and safe? That is infinitely preferable to me.

 https://open.spotify.com/track/4Vc1GBQQTWrwELBD9mnemn?si=t8nDZHLhQIC60goso1LwoA&utm_source=copy-link