Modern Dating Life: When the shoe no longer fits...

Last night I was super fortunate to have a dating profile session with James Preece (https://www.jamespreece.com/), dating expert and coach and Katie Phillips, coach and founder of the school of self-love.  And the session really made have to pause and think about how I have been engaging with the dating sphere of my life 'Venn' diagram.

I used to wear a UK7 (size 39 to 39.5) shoe. I knew my feet had changed size over the years but it wasn't until I was in Colorado about to go on a hike in 2018 that I fully processed what that change had meant. I had found a pair of hiking boots from high school in my mom's closet and thought 'Perfect! I don't need to buy new ones.' Fast forward to a Saturday morning in Boulder when my feet only went two-thirds of the way in to the boots. It was fine; I adapt quickly. In this instance, I just wore my Birkenstocks and enjoyed the hike and the time connecting with my tribe. 

And it occurred to me yesterday that the online dating profiles I was working from in 2019 and 2020, I had outgrown, without fully realizing it.  The 2019 profile was an accurate depiction of who I was...in 2019. It also potentially explains why I felt a bit sad and confused by the kind of men and women I was attracting in 2019 and 2020.  If the sexual chemistry was there, the intellectual meeting of minds was not.  And vice versa.

I have to own responsibility for that; I am a recent returnee to 'Ethical Non-Monogamy,' which I hear is what the kids are calling it these days.  Whilst I want to be in a committed relationship, I don't feel that excludes compersion for the person I am in the relationship with having a connection with someone else, provided we're all in the loop. What I don't like are the lies and gaslighting. That sh*t is beyond irritating. 

Like any good girl who grew up in a Southern household and who had been sent to etiquette classes, I scoured the Emily Post Institute website and consulted a plethora of dating guides when I returned to the world of online dating.  

It took awhile but I am slowly becoming more discerning in my replies. Or in choosing not reply. It has been a learning curve.  And there is so much I still don't know what to do with, like how does my emotional intelligence and intuition know need to be driving and when does my intellectual masculine energy need to be driving?  And I've been very guilty of the sitting back to wait approach. I'll send a 'like' but wait for someone to make the first approach. Which is not usually my style, if I am honest. 

I suppose the most disappointing aspect of contemporary dating - for me - is the assumption that women need dick pics. Don't get me wrong: as a mostly (I'd wager 70%) hetero female, I have a healthy appreciation for the  male anatomy. But I don't need to be continually assaulted by it, especially by ones that are attached to men I have not encountered for as much as a coffee.   

Whilst I am no stranger to watching or reading erotica or pornography, I also don't need to be continually assaulted by what ever is currently en vogue.  From 2002-2005 (which is that last time I was a free-agent), it appeared to be 'the money shot' as well as 'the pearl necklace.'  I'll leave you to your own imaginings.  Now, it appears to be 'squirting,' and the cis-hetero male insistence that their ability to make a woman squirt is on par with their maleness, and that every female derives pleasure from this act.  Could PornHub/Mindgeek take a pause in their programming to maybe do a few PSAs on how to approach 'squirting' consent? And just...consent in general? Happy to help formulate what that might look like. Just a thought. 

Personally, I am not adverse to intense G-spot stimulation. But I'm also not a natural squirter. I can literally count on one hand the number of times this has occurred and I can't really say that in most of those instances, it added anything to the overall sexual experience for me.  It was more like watching a science experiment from the inside.  What I am adverse to is people rummaging around like they've lost their keys up my vagina without asking.  It's not a change purse, folks. It is a part of my body that is quite sensitive and not to be bruised and battered.  And hey, how about a discussion about what you're planning on doing, before you swan dive into looking for those keys?