17 years ago, I moved into a flat on Rita Road in Vauxhall. Of all of the places Iived from 2003-2005, this flat and the friendships I made at this time are my favourite memories. N was one of my flatmates and our friendship has enduredhee stubborness, my being as co-dependent at the day is long, distance, the death of my son, the loss of her dear friend, and the implosion of my marriage. When my daughter was 2, N had been posted to Turkmenistan, to Bishkek.
My planned visit turned into an emergency Galentine's evening at a private hospital in Marleybone when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She went back to the US, we stayed in touch and in 2019, I took my two kiddos out to Brazil to visit. Sao Paolo was everything and more that I dreamed it would be. Under the wonder of the city was the knowledge that N's cancer had returned. And again, she rallied.
Last night, she messaged me after after adding me to a group about her Chemo. I think I knew before she told me...weirdly, I had begun looking at flights to the US and knew that one of the places I needed to go would be DC.
I loathe seeing people I love in pain. I loathe not being able to make it better, to use sheer force of will go change a trajectory. I've basically spent the bulk of my existence trying to be a human version of that 90s BASF ad campaign. I just want to make your life better, how ever I can.
I am not quite sure what to do now, how I can hold space for her, so far away, in the midst of pandemic. In another life, I would be on a plane tomorrow morning, if she needed. But now, all of my energy is spent between my entourage and managing perimenopause, intense nausea, and a return of endometriosis. I seem to spend more time in tears in bed or on the sofa (or crying in my car), than I doing anything, even laundry. I loathe not knowing intuitively what to do. I should be able to make this better for her.
Instead,I called my friend to just talk about nothing. We had a beautiful phone call and I'm booking tickets so we can watch shitty telly or just sit and be quiet in the same space. And then I'll go hug my dad and maybe get the chance to hug my brother. I'll mooch around and visit the family I haven't seen in years. I'll figure the rest out later.
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