Holiday Read No. 3: _Bow Down: Lessons from Dominatrixes on How to Be a Boss in Life, Love, and Work_ by Lindsay Goldwert

An enjoyable and informative read, this is a Kink book club read that I've taken a while to get around to.  Because I already know I'm a delightfully salted caramel kink, I wasn't there would be anything in here for me.  But of course there is, because I still have years of social conditioning to undo, I still struggle to embrace and love all aspects of myself and desires, I can get mired in regret and rumination. I'm more leather than latex, though there are always exceptions.  

I love flirting and I love being able to hold attraction without feeling required to engage, except in those moments when I really WANT to engage. And it highlights key areas where I really need to look at my sense of self-worth, when I think about recent-ish endeavours where my health and physical safety were potentially at  risk. And not in a consensual, safe way. 

'Consent is black and white.'

'Demanding consent means never having to say "I didn't want to make it awkward." 

Because I have experienced sexual abuse and violence, my sense of boundaries and ability to listen to my fight/flight responses can be a bit skewed and if I am in the wrong headspace, things can get dark very quickly.  It has taken a great deal for me to step away from the need to be of 'service' to sexual partners and focus on my own pleasure as being the priority. Sharing pleasure not what I am speaking to, I mean specifically engaging in acts at moments where I don't have the capacity or desire to but circumventing my own needs for a partner's climax.  The number of times I have shut down a conversation with a prospective play mates who are determined to make me climax. Ultimately, unless I am engaged in forced orgasm play, I don't need another person to be on the scene to climax.  And when someone threatens me with an orgasm? Ew. Hard pass. 

Goldwert's book is aimed at primarily the cis-hetero female but does nod to nontraditional relationships that may need a little assistance.  There are great interactions with professional dommes, tips on how to create a kinky scene or mindset without breaking the bank, as well as much detail about the vital importance of aftercare. Sadly, when I think back to the last truly decadent sex I have had, the after care was appalling.  She also does a great job of outlining the need to acknowledge that our desires and biology change as we we age and that our kinks will also evolve. 

The further reading list as well as her bibliography are chock full of useful resources for the new and intermediate kinster.  And I'm definitely thinking forward to a weekend at La Domains Esemar.