But what kind of cake?

Cake has come up a great deal recently. People offering, feeding me cake, talking about designs. I even dreamed about the wedding cake shop of was assistant manager of for 2 years when I moved back to Ohio from the Czech Republic.  At the start of my second week at the shop, they hired an sous chef named Daryll and he literally ran away before the end of this third shift, jumping off the back porch and legging it across the parking lot.  He never came by the shop to collect his final paycheck but I did run into him at the Kroger's in Madiera shortly after. 'Damn, Daryll...you can run!'

'Rachel, I know chefs are a handful, but that guy? He takes it to a whole new level.'

Recently, several people have mentioned there is a baking show called 'Is it Cake?'. It reminds me of the cake shows that were on a few years ago but with a gameshow tension that reminds me of when my molom cajoled me into going on the 'Price is Right' with her in 1996.  My youngest and I watched an episode last night. It isn't terrible but it didn't click for me, the press for time. It made me anxious in the same way toddler pageants make me anxious.  I already know how stressful life in the world of cake tins and patisserie can be. There are even Hallmark mysteries about it.

But the idea that - if we continue to do the work shadow work, to reparent out inner children and heal the wounds within that we can be our own cake? Our own home? That is an idea that resonates from the crown of my head to the tippy-tips of my big toes. My friend Bridget and I wltalked alot about the challenges we navigated as women in our 40s, looking for love as it were. But here's the thing...I have love. What is missing? Male companionship, I guess. But it's not even that.  I have cis-hetero male friends I can go get my Tom Boy on with.  I suppose more than anything, its the sex with connection - with that twinkle, if am honest. I mean, sure, I could do work with a regular escort or sexual surrogate. But it isn't love or approval. I am baking that up for myself, daily. Not that I'm not here for some good ol' objectification and flattery. I mean, I am a Libra with her sun in Gemini and her mokn in Virgo. I am here for all of it. It had just better be sincere, you know?

Ultimately, I guess I can only do the work to be my own cake and keep an eye out for people who enhance me with their icings and vice versa.  

But I do quite love some of the sugar work on 'Is it Cake,' even if I didn't enjoy it as much as 'Nailed It.'