Immersion

Three new collections have landed on my doorstep. One is of a diplomat, the other two of a military family linked to said diplomat.  So the are separate but connected, as so much of life becomes.

My littles are off to Morocco on Tuesday and I am trying not to fret too much. I had planned to go away on Thursday but after a few tense weeks with the youngest, decided not to leave until today. It all became a bit of a disaster. I had forgotten about strikes and hadn't booked a car to Gatwick, so I ended up having to buy an entirely new ticket to leave from Stansted.

I arrived in Spain, hugged my friend and went to bed early. The next day, we have a discussion about whether this is a retreat or immersion.  The experience I am here for is more of an immersion, definitely in the shallow end of the pool. 

It's an intimate dynamic: there are two if us and we are strangers, on very different journeys.  I have spent the last year  learning to NOT 'do' or 'respond,' or 'react.' it is a slow process, shutting off the need to try and assuage other people's discomfort.  Over the course of the first  afternoon, we open the circle.  Time moves differently in this space and I am taken aback to discover that 2 hours have passed. We break and I retreat for a nap. I will spend much of my time on this trip asleep.  Deep, easy sleep, often. Needed. As much as I need to be a new space as just myself, I also need rest. It isn't even something I negotiate with myself about.  Any time the option presents itself to snuggle down, I do. And I sleep quickly, as I slept when I was child. 

The more I sort through and soothe the abrasions left by various traumas, I notice that I am less quick to rise to being baited. It's not that I don't still enjoy a good banter, it's more that I can enjoy the banter without wanting or needing to see it escalate.  I haven't quite cracked all the nuance or lessons and it is more than probable that I never will. And I flink I am okay with that realization. 

Arriving back in the UK, I marvel at the smoothness of the experience.  No cues, no arguing. I have not overpacked and I move easily through security to the lounge to the flight. 

When I get home to a quiet house and the opportunity arrises to just be in the space and think about what it (and I) need to function better. The house is quiet, the cats around and content to know I am here without demanding.  I am taking a day out from any significance. Tomorrow is soon enough to do more, including go to dinner with a prospective beau.