I got home late Wednesday evening with grand plans of being far more productive than I have found myself able to be. Instead, I am managing approximately 4 hours of productivity but they are not consecutive and it feels more like busy work than anything else. Instead, I overslept yesterday and ended up falling back asleep for a few more hours. Now I'm awake but unfocused. I've got a call to catch up with friends in about forty-five minutes, plants to transfer into larger places to grow, walls to paint and paper, articles to research, plots to plan and chapters to write. It's all a bit puzzling because I don't seem that concerned about it, just a bit befuddled.
Friday night, I did something I realised I had not done...ever. I went out on a date. A conventional date, on a conventional date night. I let someone else book the table. We talked for hours. I let them pick up the check. I let the man in question hold the door open for me. He walked me to my car. It was thrilling. Intriguing. I want to do more of that. It felt refreshing and it makes me wonder if that isn't part of why I am not worried about the many things I have set myself to accomplish that I haven't yet focused enough to do: because I am in a state of regenerating.
I read or heard a theory once that the human body regenerates itself over a cycle of 7 years. Of course, we don't regenerate completely, at least not yet. But we are so early in our current state of evolutionary process, if we think about the broader expanses of time. So this is much more a state of emotional and psychological regeneration, in a world where what I have are solid foundations and am building the myself without being a retaining wall or an integral but ornamental fixture. I can pace myself without feeling that I've failed anyone or let anything slip through the cracks. And I can determine the people I choose to bring into my fold. I can choose myself.
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