I love this photo of my folks. It encompasses the best of them both, although my mom cringed because she was at her heaviest, physically. They were around a campfire, together. Together.
Such a word, that. I don't know that I've ever really experienced that as a concept, romantically. 'Tandem' has been more my style, outside of a dance floor.
Earlier this month, snow fell and the world muted itself. I love the sound snow makes. The cold was crisp and welcome. I headed North, thinking idle thoughts. A tour of the campus, a long interview. I arrive home at 2pm and by 2:45pm I've been offered the role. The pay is...low-ish, but the pension scheme is solid and it is a permanent role. Private healthcare! Decisions, decisions.
I was taking a horizontal moment to assess what was working and what wasn't when the phone rang. I had brought in the 'designer,' I started off with giving her much leeway. Too much, I realise now. When I began to exert my options, we ran into conflict and I was so tired and sad, I couldn't argue or really advocate, even for my own space. It's strange the latitude we will give way to avoid reality.
'It isn't the way I thought it would be,' I whisper to myself on Christmas morning. 'It hurts at the oddest moments. I feel like I've lost something intensely important, but I can't quite figure what it is...but it isn't seething the way I thought it would be.' My voice trails off. 'Would we have even spent this time together if he were still around?' Probably not, time and distance being what they are, that last afternoon together, after the rounds and the chaplain's visit, when Daddy was more like himself than he had been in years.
It is strange to think that this year, after years of not being around for the holidays, I missed my mother more fiercely, but then...we moved more in sync, or at least in tandem. I spent the first few days without the children and surrounded by friends and my uncle. I kept thinking I could have done with a silent season, except everyone around me gave me space when I needed.
I've been beavering away, trying to undo what I allowed to happen unchecked in the first quarter of 2022. After months of worrying about the unvarnished wood dust and not loving the layout (why is it that people ask for your feedback and then simply ignore it?), I took down the wood rails and moved the rooms the way I wanted them. Though the room is smaller, it is the prettiest room in the house, the skylight providing light and privacy, a rare combination in the centre of town. Converting the larger second bedroom creates a dressing room space, as originally planned, also allows for larger crafting and break-out space. More space to do suspension work, more space for puzzles and quality time. And a proper guest room, which is really what we need, to make the house work
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