A reflection on rescuing versus support

'Never trust the people in Marketing.' - Boss Baby

My youngesr has been revisiting the Boss Baby ouvre. I'm blessed that for the most part, my kids have developed palatable taste. I mean, I adore 'Big City Greens.'

The artist formerly known as my husband didn't start out in Marketing; he was initially in Events. And he can throw a party together with very little more than a book of matches, a champagne bucket and a fork, the Macgyver of Events.  He can also be disturbingly uncompromising, so much so that he once shouted at a group of us at a dinner party 'You're not engaging with the vision!!' The aforementioned vision in this instance was an admittedly impressive garden design project at far exceeded the £5k budget. I wasn't even aware just how much it exceeded the budget until about 3 years ago, when a mutual friend said 'I still can't believe you remortgaged for that project.' Thanks very much for that bombshell, C, because I didn't know he had either. I knew about the extra credit card but....yeah.  As his mum said to me just before we got hitched, 'He's hard on shoes.'

When he moved fully into business marketing, well, at least it was on the B2B side of things. And he is/was marketing to internal clients or to industry specifically sectors. And I watched him morph before my eyes into someone I didn't quite recognise. I learned to love this version of him, but it wasn't the same kind of love.  He became someone I couldn't list as an emergency contact.  But I trust him in other key areas, still. And I count him as a key person in the second tier of my support team.

My relationship with my father was similar.  The lies he would tell, the things he would not say, the sidestepping and belittling were all the direct result of a boy raised by an emotionally and physically abused woman and a sociopath.  My grandfather John Daniel - 'Foxy Dan' - as the papers called him was a deeply conflicted man, I hope. I hope there were demons in him that led him to behave towards the people he claimed to love in the manner which he did.   Sociopaths are, it would appear, capable of a limited array of emotional awareness.  They know they are lacking something. They experience sadness. But do they experience remorse? Regret? Do the know that lies of omission are just as lacerating - if not more - than lies of comission? One wonders, sitting in their courtyard oasis ona Friday, watching the first Peony bloom.

Unconditional love or support doesn't mean one is not ever angry or hurt by the person in need of said support.  And it doesn't meant the person doesn't question or point out where there are areas of concern manifesting.  It does require a semblance of trust, of underlying nature almost matching word, so that you can see behind the action that is causing the problematic or disruptive behaviour.  It's not a catchall explain away and it doesn't mean one can ride rough shod over another person.  It also doesn't mean you can always maintain contact with a person. Sometimes, it's just not feasible, especially when the other person can only shout.

It does mean, there is always a door open and a path free to walk towards shared enlightment.  But not at the cost of repeated denigration and belittling of the person offering unconditional love. And it doesn't mean it stops when communication ceases. I love many people I am not in contact with and I teach my children the same. 'We love everyone; that doesn't mean we have to like 'em or invite 'em in for dinner.'

I do know people who work in Marketing who aren't control freaks and who don't twist everything to keep someone from 'finding out,' the truth about a product or them.  Their nuances is different. As above.   One of the most effective marketing execs I ever met was a man named Michael Burkeen. He was also one of the most honest, ethical, and romantic people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  He died in the Spring of 2020 (Cancer, not COVID) and though I hadn't seen in him in two decades, we kept in sporadic contact and he always had a moment of searing insight and deep kindness to share. 

He was the first person to point out to me the important distinction between 'rescuing' and 'supporting.' That conversation was a small seed-planting of a realisation.  'Rescuing,' 'giving your all' to a situation or an individual to the detriment of yourself and your actual responsibilities. 'We're romantics, you and I. We have to be extra careful not to go all in where it isn't reciprocated. Power transference only works when there is a quid pro quo.' It was late/early when we were having this conversation. There was definitely alcohol involved. It was one of those candid 'I KNOW you, you KNOW me' conversations that resonate and solidify a bond.  The kind of conversation, chance encounter, afternoon spent being idle that echo in the corridors that lead to our very centres.  This is from a man who could market Swifter, just to give you an idea. That kind of honesty transcends a profession built on manipulation and psychological warfare.