Rachel, meet your soulmate...Rachel. Do y'all know each other?

Dateline: Colchester, 17 June 2021

Having made the decision to step back from algorithmic dating, my phone's battery life lasts so much longer, it feels surreal. I've narrowed things down to two matchmakers I will decide upon when I'm done 'playing in the field,' as it were and am just sitting back to enjoy the summer, when I am not embroiled in the unglamorous drama of 'Carpet-gate,' which ironically, began with a missing toilet in 2013. But that is a separate tale. 

Instead, I've been thinking about the decision I made earlier this year to date myself and only spending time in the company of males (and females, actually, so really just humans) that I choose to because I simply enjoy their company, unless there is an overarching reason that I have to spend time with them, instead of looking for a mate. 

Earlier today, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with Katie Phillips, of the School of Self-Love, about her Daring and Mighty Mastermind, and her recent 'Meet Your Soulmate' challenge that she is just wrapping up this week. It's a five-day journey into the self that literally kept blindsiding my social media in February, as well as conversations and articles I was reading. Y'all know me, I cain't be ignoring those kinds of signs, even when it's 'Hippie Bullsh*t,' as Daddy would call it. **Spoiler alert: I kind of love the 'Hippie BS.'**  

It took me about a month to actually power through my Ego's attempts to keep me in my current web before I had a call with Katie, in which she basically just said 'When are you going to allow yourself to believe you have intrinsic value and are worth believing in?'  And a switch flipped. 'I'm going to take a nap and when I wake up, I will confirm my attendance.' Two hours later, I did just that. 

Over the course of those 14 weeks I participated in what is I think/feel is essentially an hermetics course, with a bit of pragmatic life and love stuff thrown in, including a mastermind class with James Preece, in which both he and Katie called me out on my 2021 dating profile, which I had dramatically overhauled and stripped back. 'What is that photo? That's not even a real smile. No wonder you're attracting what you're attracting.'  Five minutes later, 'Are you even sure you want to date? You say here work, your kids, and reading are your priorities.' I mumbled something inaudible about poor past choices, to which they both said. 'Yeah. We all have. Key word there? 'past.' 

And I had to do 3 things that terrified me more than anything (and I do mean anything, including Fanglet : 1) I had to join a group of women I didn't know and essentially strip back to the casings of my soul, 2) I had to really look into the heart of my core conditioning and where it was tied to my values system, 3) I had to allow my emotional and intuitive self to drive my decision making in the work.

And THAT right there is why the time and money spent has been so invaluable, because the experience and the work has pushed me that next step farther away from the past narratives, patterns, and also encouraging me to deal with my issues around anxiety and social interaction as I'm not a naturally extroverted person. Working with Artie Wu's course at Preside Meditation literally helped give me back my life in 2018. And now this work, this is helping me LIVE my life and to trust in the power and necessity of sorority and connection.      

Example:  A pleasant third date but for the 3rd time running, the date is late and it makes me wonder about my lines in the sand. There was an entire decade where I was the one who was late. staggeringly so, for dates, work, flights...life. I have lost friendships that were important because of my disregard of time (of their time) and of my occasional lapse in ability to say 'No' to other people.  

And so I sit weighing my stance on this in my matrix of 'absolutely,' 'maybe/workable,' 'hell to the NO' and realise this isn't on the matrix but is something I should add.  It isn't a deal breaker, it just needs clarification: people are late, transport and life being what they are. It happens. I can vocalize concern about the pattern without feeling ashamed or embarrassed that it irks me. In the mean time, since having accepted to myself that ethical non-monogamy and my sexuality are important aspects of who I am (even before I divorced the former Mr B), its no wonder that Smith and Hardy's _The Ethical Slut_ has been essential reading for me. 

When I do come across someone I am spending time vertically with that I may like to spend time horizontally with, I loop it into the conversation.   I mean, I keep a .pdf copy in my Dropbox, so I can refer to it. I belong to TWO sexual empowerment book groups (one mixed genders/sexual identies) and spend hours a week discussing ENM and the responsibilities of being a Free Agent in these Covidious times and I don't like to think or feel time is being wasted, especially now.  So, when I say, a third date, we're not talking monogamy nor sexual intimacy at this stage. Whilst I am actively working on my post-divorce sex wall, I am discerning about the type of materials and individuals I wish to be involved in its construction. I'm not even sure 'wall' is the accurate term for what I am constructing, anymore, but I did love that sub-plot of the last season of 'Offspring.'   And since I already know I will be wed again, probably barefoot in a field overlooking the ocean, I don't need to stress about the 'how' or 'when.' 'Nothing,' Jean Moreau reminds me in _A Summer Place_ 'happens before it happens._ Certainly not before I decide what to wear to cabaret.