'Take care of yourself and each other.'

The downside of not being 'up' on the news, is that when you do clue yourself in, the impact can be a wallop. Jerry Springer was quite possibly the finest councillor Cincinnati ever had. Even the insanity of his talk show...well, as he said 'Its the same constitutants.

It's a blow,  a loss, but not unexpected. He was an elder and we don't get to keep our elders forever, a point driven home even more when I find out an elder of our small community crossed over earlier this week. The absence that we discover allows for responsibility and purpose to pass through the ranks. It allows for wounds and past hurts to begin to heal.

More sharp during early May is the death of Heather Armstrong. I started following her blog in 2001. Her struggles with post natal depression helped get me through my son's death and I reached out to her to thank her for her ability to share. Her story reminded me again, 5 year later - when the electrical storm of postnatal depression coincided with grief - that I would survive the onslaught but that it wouldn't be easy.  I think of her children, her mama, her siblings. I sigh and I shift, realizing that all I can really do is ensure make sure I am tethered safely to my own life and loves. 

Moving through that post natal depression wasn't easy. It still isn't. It took time and even now, I find myself dealing with ramifications of that time. It's a lot, to lose entire years of your life to an internal electrical storm, to be able to hear and see but not connect.  And then those moments of realisation that,  if not for that storm, I wouldn't be here, in this life, in these moments, and would not remember that love is doing what is needed, that it isn't always easy or fair.

This is where I hear my grandfather's voice. 'Fair?! FAIR?! Who told you life was fair and that you get to be happy?' Needless to say, this kind of outburst would have erupted on a gin/red wine/triple scotch and soda kinda night, maybe a night where the market dipped or he underpreformed in the back 9. 

Life may not be fair or equitable, but damn, it sure is interesting. This is what I remind and relearn every day. Take today for instance, on a long weekend with a dear friend, we walk into central Luxembourg, past the synagogue, and I notice nametag stickers on the backs of street signs with random snippets about finding Jesus. The first feels like a one off, but after the make our way throuhh the very sweet antiques fair (I purchase a scent bottle for the eldest and a magnifying glass for the younger, which I will put on a chain) my companion spys a box of Virgins - a baker's dozen 

We ended this day with Hugo's father having run down cobbled stones to avoid the strains of a rockabilly rendition of 'Losing My Religion's that made several dogs cover their ears. We took in the view surrounded by characters straight from Central Casting and I spent the evening spying on the costume store of the national theatre from my bedroom window.