Autumn is settling in, the days shorter. There is a chill in the air most mornings.
I stood with my coffee this morning, staring out the window. The sky was grey and my head ached.
I often think of myself as a lone wolf. And I suppose that is true l, although I am not quite a Sigma female. I mean, I am almost a lone wolf except that I don't love it. I found myself curled up in my bed today, sobbing because more than anything I long for someone to hold me, some to curl into. I just want to feel safe and cherished and want to reciprocate those feelings.
There are few reasons not to trust but those reasons are doozies, which is why I made the decision to go with a new matchmaker after a brief foray back into online dating. I learned so much from the experience of online dating, about myself, where my boundaries are, how to reinforce them. Even the worst of those experiences - which left me feeling heartsick and wondering if I was going a bit mad - I can't fault. It is still disheartening as layers of the duplicity reveal themselves.
At the same time, I am also struggling to maintain decorum with my co-parent, as we shift in to new phases across the board. The kids are growing up and life is bittersweet in that way we're always told it will be when we are children but never quite believe.
I sat with my matchmaker recently for over 3 hours. We discussed why I thought my marriage had ended and I was honest: we simply stopped turning up for one another. Kids made it challenging but not impossible. What became impossible was the juggling. The conversation reminds me of something Jane Fonda said in an interview:
"He needs someone to be there 100 percent of the time. He thinks that's love. It is not love. It's babysitting. We went in different directions. I grew up."
I guess this is me, growing up.
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