Onward, Angel

This is Daddy Yoda or SSG Yoda, depending on the day/my mood. He has been accompanying me many places. He's basically my emotional support creature of the moment.  Is that weird? Probably.  Do I care? Not a bit. It's kind of freeing, actually. Onward Angel...maybe the sequel to _Look Homeward, Angel_, which I feel like I've read but is that only because of Don Williams?

I flew back Friday evening, via Chicago. I often getting a bit apprensive, flying via Chicago in the winter. I haf about 40 minutes to make our connecting flight but who knows. Of course, it doesn't matter if we were late. I mean...I have travel insurance, I have cash, I can always make the most of a hotel night. I am tired, despite good sleep. I am often tired. I seem to be a human pendulum, hyper-energized, occasionally manic then crashing into an exhaustion so fierce, it is bruising. I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. I can't tell if it's because I am numb, in shock, or am relieved. 

But mostly, I'm sad about leaving. And I am leaving so many things at the momeny. Its is funny (ironic, not funny 'haha,' although it's probably that as well,) My aunt and I were talking about how strange a sensation it is to be an orphan, how...regardless of age, you just feel slightly untethered.  I'm in a strange head space, so many endings occuring at the same time, overlapping. I'll be wrapping up my role as Deputy Archivist at Fortnum's on 7 March and it is bittersweet. So much has happened over the last 18 months, I just don't feel i am giving even 75% to my role and the collection deserves better than that. Could I have a better line manager? Absolutely not. Could I love the collection more? Nope. Is it time to step back for a bit? Absolutely. Would I ever consider returning? Absolutely. In time, all things are possible, right?

My dad's life commemoration is in April and I am bringing the children back for the service and Dayton time. And then...Disneyland, maybe via Seattle or Portland. I want these souls to have new, fresh memories, to have the sweet to offset the bitter, to remember we are so much more than the sum of one life, or one moment.  I want to have fresh memories, new experiences.  

Sunday was my son's yahrzeit. February, I love and dread you in equal mesures.