In the dream

 We've just finished coffee and are standing on the docks. Daddy is as he is now - so thin the light pours through his skin, but able to walk. He's wearing jeans and a polo shirt, and his USS Mt Whitney hat. He looks...like daddy. When I lean to hug him, his breath catches. Mine does too. 

'You ready?' He's teary-eyed, trying not show it. 

'As I'll ever be.' I hand him his rucksack. 'I love you, girl. You keep givin' 'em hell, ya hear me? Don't forget where you came from and be damn proud of who you are. Tell them kids I love 'em. Look on after your nephew as best you can.' 

I don't even try to hide my tears. I cry so often these days, there's no point in pretending otherwise. I just let them fall where they will, let them carve estuaries across the changing landscape of my face. 

He walks down the plank and the ferryman checks his ticket. 'SSG Howse, we have been expectin' you. I've got a some people who are gonna be so happy to see you...' Daddy starts to shake a bit, looks back at me. The ferryman smiles. 'Its okay, you can come on down and give him another hug. I know you got somethin' else you need to say.' 

'Just...I love you. I forgive you. I forgive me. And I wouldn't have missed any of it, any of...this.' I gesture around me. 'Tell mama I love her. And here...' I hand him another bag. 'It's a houseplant. For you to give Mama.' We both start to cry harder. 'Just don't let her throw it at you.'  

I know who will be waiting for him. If I turn my head slighty into the light dancing on the Mississippi, I can see the other side in the reflection. And I know it is his time.