When do you sharpen pencils?

There was an unoccupied seat Tuesday on a plane yesrerday  Will time have noticed that I was not suspended thousands of miles above the lives I lead or chose for several hours?  Moving back toward the life I didn't know would always be mine? It hurts, even thinking that, realising no matter how I much I realise in the moment I uncover about myself, how little I ever really know.

The last few weeks, I've struggled to maintain sleep. It eludes me and I feel a bit hungover from its absence. I'm a bit frayed by its absence but not to the same degree I was last year at this time. It's weird, how life and ebb and flow. 

This week, I'm at one of those junctures where you know change is coming and you're just not sure that you're ready. You can't prepare for every inevitability, and the number of times I have prepared, only to leave the bag on the counter or lock my keys in the house.

I've been very fortunate to work with a company I really do love the last 2.5 years but I think that may be coming to an end due to recent power shifts and a massive mistake on the part of accounting. So today was about prep for an HR meeting to clarify that I am not under a cloud, then sitting back and letting things roll out the way they will.

I don't tend to play poker because I tend to be an 'all in' type. I'm learning to slow down and to realise where my Tinkerbell nature fits into the wider schematics.  I'm not at my core that upset about the situation that has arisen, though timing is something, to be sure. 

But the immediate snagging hurt...it's like having my emotional funny bone slammed in a door, you know? When you love what you do and love (mostly) where you do it, what happens when it stops being a haven? How do you know when to stay or go? Or practice doing nothing, which in itself is an art?

What can you do, really? It's one of those moments when the dominoes are all starting to tip, in all sides, all because of a fruit fly. It's weirdly exhilarating and I'm trying to lean into the terror it is creating in me. And because they are dominoes, the crash will be almighty and loud but it is unlikely anyone will end up with shards of glass stuck in awkward places. 

Note to self: remember to pay more attention to the manner of your execution in dreams.