Love in the time of Algorithms, Part II

It's my mother's birthday today. Through out the day, I've been humming songs that she loved, both aware and barely awake. I miss her today, keenly, but happily and I think she would be proud of the path I am on.

I have an almost-matchmaker. I say 'almost' because I'm just not quite ready to commit to the idea and outlay the capital and of handing of that kind of responsibility to someone else. What happens if they fail. Or worse: what happens if they succeed in helping my find my b'shert? Because b'shert isn't just about illuminated happiness and love. It's also about what doesn't last.

Because I've spent much of my life terrified of having my heart broken by someone other than myself, I have used that terror to build a wall and a watchtower. I have lookouts pulling shifts but there is confusion: are we looking for Love to let in or keep out? Is desire inherently good or evil? (The answer is neither).  What is this wall protecting me from? Or is the wall really a prison, protecting others from me?

I finally accepted that the wall is both and neither, that it is a construct of my mind not a comparison of my physical reality. But it isn't serving me and if anything, the bricks from the wall would be better served in my garden, as raised beds, as foundations for a small dock along the lakefront. (My interior gardens are expansive).

I recently had cause to kiss a man. It was a lovely evening, fun conversation, there was a bit of hope and possibility.  The kissing itself was lovely but there was no spark. The connection I felt to this person didn't translate into sexual fire. And it was disappointing. Maybe it was the food - since my round of Covid things that I love just don't taste the same.

It made me a big sad but also relieved. I can kiss someone and walk away not feeling verklempt. I can move through the world owning my desire and sexual interest without feeling the need to give into pressure as a content generation machine for the modern horndog male. (And no, I know not all men eogists or narcissists, or aggressive Alphas who thing of satiating their own needs). I can, I can, I can. I will. I do. I shall.