Love in the time of Algorithms (Part I)

Late December 2020

When I finally filed for divorce in 2018, I decided there was no way I was even remotely ready to contemplate dating, even though the divorce was a LONG time coming. I was still emerging from postnatal depression, battling with flashbacks to ventilators, charred flesh, and traumatic births, and sexual assaults.  It was not my favourite time to be in my head but there was sh*t that needed to be addressed and I don't shy away from hard graft, usually.   Instead, I put in extra time with my therapist, worked with a Hypno-therapist on Rapid Eye Movement Therapy, began working extensively on meditating and sorting out aspects of myself that just weren't fit for purpose anymore or for being hauled around like matching emotional luggage. All that was missing was time at Swiss sanatorium to be able to get out bed without shaking, maybe shutting off the electrical storm in my brain.

I finally decided in late November of 2019 (partly due to peer pressure 'Why aren't you dating? You have to start somewhere!' and partly out of a resistance to being 'accidently on purpose' set up by well-intentioneds -'Rachel, you have meet my grandson,' fills me with a teensy bit of dread), to join online dating.  Besides, if you have a profile, you are both opening up to possibility and able to direct well-intentioned offers to said profile: social passive aggression at its best.

 I did some research and chose 3 sites, with different agendas. I don't have a lot of spare time, being the 'mostly' on-call parent and after my third kid, I had kind of shelved my sexuality for awhile. To discover it, packed safely away waiting, was quite the thing. I knew I needed to smooth out rough edges and work on my delivery. 'So, what does your brother do?' 'Oh, he's in transport logistics but is taking some time out.' See what I did there? See how tactful I can be? 

After my awkward defrosting too quickly in June and July, I had to really examine my motives, expectations, and goals. As for sex, what can I say, sex wasn't a priority, then very suddenly it was the only priority. Once I had discovered that it was something I did in fact still enjoy, I managed to answer my own earlier question: 'Is it possible to fall in love in Covidity?' which for me is: 'Depends on what kind of love; I'd recommend the canine or feline variety Because what I fell in into was not love, it was confusion and projection and made me realise I need to work on the fine tuning holistically. And to pay more attention to what people DON'T say.'

So, I spent much of August, when I thought about it - which was really only like 27% - and I realised what I really needed to do was take a step back and decide what I was NOT looking for ('No, S, from Hampshire. It is not my job to convince you tha that you have to offer - which, as you say, is not insignificant - will keep me happy.') I also got a little freer with the 'block' function. 

I also began to think about 'how' I wanted to engage with the dating concept.  I made a list of the attributes I liked of all of the dating sites I had tried, then decided to try ones that were slightly more out of my comfort zone and I gave myself a finite amount of time: mid-Jan 2020, whilst I also began researching matchmakers because it occurred to me that - given the rather colourful (shall we say) background I come from, I really do need to be a bit more cautious but at the same time I want to try to keep what naivete I have left. So matchmaker, Southern Granny/Auntie network, or PI firm to do the vetting is a must. As is owning my freak and my link, whatever those may be. 

With regards to dating sites, there weren't many that I did enjoy, to be fair.  eHarmony was just too much pressure, Tinder and Bumble are sensory overload.   I've enjoyable exchanges via NewSoulmates but I've also had questionable encounters which make 'matchmaking' all the more appealing to both my pragmatic, spontaneous and romantic selves (Shut up; I'm a Libra, of course I am in love with 'Love.' I also like small firearms, rodeos, the opera, tacos, and Polo, tractors, and libraries. I'm a fascinating series of contradictions, like most of humanity.)

My online experiences in late 2019-2020 were not terrible: I went ice-skating, I  had an enjoyable series of dinners with a man that I even had vetted by friends as a 'solid choice.' I started to recognise the difference between a spark of familiarity and a spark of genuine interest. I also have begun to recognise times I feel that I am being baited, played, or manipulated, and can step back to decide if I WANT to engage. 

These are good-to-know that my judgement was not terrible, but there wasn't really a 'zing,' or a 'spark.'  

These are probably all things most people learn earlier. But I didn't date at all in secondary school and actually dated very little in University. I ended up in some weirdly intense long-distance relationships, had a couple of sweet boyfriends and found myself involved with some truly questionable members of the human race, but I didn't date, really, so that is an additional learning curve. So many learning curves.